A terrible evil had been done to me as a young adolescent, and my family community was shattered. My Protestant friends advised me: “Just forgive and forget… You don’t want to be bitter, do you?” Indeed, bitterness was attached to me like the bark on a tree, and it continued for years, despite my trying unsuccessfully to find some cure and peace. After some years, I sought psychological help into myself and the fearful world of dreams and symbolism, where (to borrow from the poetry of Fr Gerard Manley Hopkins):
“… O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap
May who ne’er hung there…”
My elderly therapist was a blessed companion into the inner life. Having attended Oxford University, raised a family, and studied under Carl Jung, she was educated and sensitive. However, even with the best of guides, psychology is limited. While psychology might help in understanding and improving relationships, it cannot forgive. I could go through the motions of reconciliation but still have no forgiveness within me to give. If forgiveness was not possible, then I needed absolution, not more self-analysis. If I were Catholic, then maybe I could go to Confession and feel real forgiveness, not just the motions of reconciliation in a show of “kiss and make up”. Done!
My first Confession was made to a Ugandan priest, who listened attentively. He then asked: “Are you trying to take revenge?” No, I was not taking revenge. But I wondered aloud why, no matter how I tried, there were no feelings of forgiveness. He replied: “Your feelings do not matter. You have done your part and made your confession. Remember that only Jesus can forgive. He forgives for you, and he will enact forgiveness in his own time.” Some days later, after having received absolution, I noticed that bitterness was gone! There was no longer that sad memory knife against my throat! The toxin had just vanished, and I was free.
Since I came into the Catholic Church as an adult, my faith has been a life-long learning experience. I have learned that the little word “yet” is necessary for spiritual growth, and especially in approaching the Sacrament of Confession. There, at the deepest core of reconciliation, the intimate conversation involves just two living beings: me and my maker. The Lord Jesus inquires gently: “Do you not yet have the courage to accept my love?” I have too often had to admit with sorrow: “Not yet… please help me find that courage!” In the Sacrament, even with an imperfect contrition, there is still help for the helpless. The voice of God’s Love advocates for courage to a disciple who longs, even yet, to find the strength to proclaim: “Yes! I want to serve and can accept Your Love. Thank You, Lord Jesus; forgive me, Lord Jesus.”
The forgiving embrace that follows forgiveness is an enduring mystery. The reality of true reconciliation with God spills over into all creation and every created being, into all human communities, from family relationships to the farthest shores. Reconciliation is peace, the very foundation of our human life’s construct. When a quivering “not yet” becomes an exuberant “Yes! Fiat!” then the stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.
Ruth D. Lasseter
SDC Associate
Indiana, USA
